I am filled with mixed feelings right now, unable to display emotion, but keeping it all tightly inside my chest. On one hand, I'm cynical, believing this is a big fat lie and NIN will go back to the world of touring after an extended and well deserved break. I'm also hopeful, because if this is correct, that means eventually, I will get another chance to witness the sheer brilliance of my favorite band's show; as I never got my 'Downward Spiral album on its entirety' experience, or my 'special guests' experience, or any awe-inspiring NIN moment worth recalling, and even though I was able to watch all of these remarkable events from afar at least, I was green with envy to know so many people were there and I was not. I was, at some point, very apathetic towards this tour, and this band, and its mastermind -- a series of poor decisions and anger issues on his part sort of blew my bubble, so to speak, and made me lose interest in everything regarding him and his band. Yes, I have been feeling all sorts of things today. I woke up excited to see what surprises awaited us tonight. Logged on to Twitter to find all my Tweeple (people I'm Twitter friends with lol), who are mostly NIN fans too, walking down memory lane, remembering their favorite NIN moments, saying goodbye to a big part of their lives -- a collective farewell to the one thing that brought an entire community together. I felt nostalgic, like I had this huge hole in my stomach that wouldn't fucking close. I forgot about NIN for a while as I focused on my real life for a change. Then I came back home and the landslide of love and devotion towards the band was in full swing. I joined the cause, tweeted my ass off, and helped do this, which made me feel happy and giddy and proud:
All those tweets with the #NIN hashtag from NIN fans everywhere made the last #NIN show into a number one trending topic on Twitter. Fuck yes.
Now, as the last show is happening in Los Angeles, miles, time zones, millions of people away from me, I can't help feeling this overwhelming wave of anger and sadness wash over me. Why the fuck would you quit now? Why the fuck would you do this to so many people? Oh, fuck! I am sad, because an era is officially ending tonight, and as someone who has been a part of it for well over 8 years, I don't want to see it go away. It would be like saying goodbye to my adolescence, all those years of singing Hurt with such fervor tears fell down involuntarily, all those nights screaming to Head Like a Hole emulating Reznor's emotion. All the 'fist fuck's, all the 'fuck you like an animal's, all the 'starfuckers'. If there's anything I can say Reznor has taught me well throughout all these years, is to feel, intensely and passionately. And to curse. Intensely and passionately as well. In LA, the show keeps going and feeling is coming back to me. Eyes shut tight, keeping tiny tears inside. *must.not.cry, for fuck's sake*
I am gonna break the Trent embargo that I claimed here only to say this:
Reznor, I know you're an asshole and regardless of how I feel about you in general right now, I cannot NOT thank you. Everything I am right now has been influenced one way or another by you and your fucked up shit. Who would have thought that your angst-ridden electro-noise would bring me so much joy and life. So now you're waving us goodbye and going away to do God-knows-what, and God knows I wholeheartedly disagree with whatever it is that you're about to do, but at least I had a chance to wave you goodbye like you asked us on that one post on nin.com. So thank you. I'm always awkward with thank you's, but since you're not reading this, I don't give a shit. I just had to get it out somehow, and now I did. I know this is not the end of NIN. You've said it a million times already, you're gonna keep working on music, blah blah blah. I also know there'll be a comeback, and I will be there, because I can't help it, I'm obsessed with your music. In fact, I now realize that I've only felt love for one thing in my life, and that is your evil, inappropriate-for-minors, industrial-lite music. Yeah, I have that many issues.
And with this, the Trent embargo becomes effective again.
My bootleg of the Henry Fonda show is almost over, and the most beautiful rendition of Hurt is playing. Tears are finally spilling and I am waving, waving, waving, waving goodbye to what was and will always be Nine Inch Nails. I can't believe I'm crying.
Now I move on. I have some serious growing up to do and I expect to start doing it as soon as the final show is over. In the meantime I will sit back and enjoy the show. Dave Navarro is onstage now. Will update this post with the official setlist tomorrow.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Oh wait!
Meathead also quit! Now that is pretty fucking sad. In fact, I think I'm crying right now cause there won't be any more Meathead Perspectives to obsessively look forward to. Fuck Reznor, I need Meathead! *cries*
***UPDATE!!!
Setlist here (from EchoingTheSound.com):
2009-09-10
Los Angeles, CA
Wiltern Theater
1. Home
2. Somewhat Damaged
3. The Collector
4. Discipline
5. March of The Pigs
6. Something I Can Never Have
7. The Frail
8. The Wretched
9. Ruiner
10. Head Down
11. Burn
12. Just Like You Imagined (w Mike Garson)
13. La Mer (w Mike Garson)
14. Eraser (w Mike Garson)
15. The Becoming (Still) (w Mike Garson)
16. Down In The Park (w Gary Numan & Mike Garson intro(?) )
17. Metal (w Gary Numan)
18. I Die: You Die (w Gary Numan)
19. 1,000,000
20. Letting You
21. Survivalism
22. Suck
23. Down In It
24. The Hand That Feeds
25. Head Like A Hole
26. Me, I'm Not (w Atticus Ross)
27. The Warning (w Atticus Ross & Dave Navarro)
28. Piggy (Nothing Can Stop Me Now) (w Dave Navarro)
29. Gave Up (w Dave Navarro)
30. Mr. Self Destruct (w The Dillinger Escape Plan)
31. Wish (w The Dillinger Escape Plan)
32. Atmosphere (cover - Joy Division)
33. Dead Souls (cover - Joy Division)
34. The Good Soldier
35. The Day The World Went Away
36. Hurt
37. In This Twilight
Wow. This bootleg is gonna be one hell of a bitch to download. =/
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Now playing: Nine Inch Nails - Dead Souls
via FoxyTunes
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