Hi, it's me again, and I have another problem to talk about.
People who can't fucking grow up.
Flaws and virtues considered, I think I am a fairly immature person. I think I should mention I am only 22 years old (young?) at the time, and as such, not expected to be an expert in all things grown-up.
You know what? I am a little mature, I think. For a twenty-fucking-two year old, I have been able to fix some really deep problems that had the potential of destroying my life in the future. I was able to quit drinking for good, despite the ubiquity of alcohol in my life, and have steered away from drugs like a decent, model citizen should. I have overcome fears, traumas and inhibitions, and I think I am on my way to being a "normal" person again. I am only months away from ending a very crucial period in my life, and am already considering ideas and plans that would increase my level of maturity by at least a 30 percent. Did I mention I can drive now?
Yet I am *still* only twenty-two.
Emotional maturity is different and much more complex than it sounds, I know. I know I am not growing in this department quite like I should be, but I'm working on it, and that is mature enough for me. It's hard to become emotionally mature when you've just started living like an adult, and it's unfair of people to demand emotional maturity of someone in this condition. It is also unfair of people to put their trust and hopes on me, and expect everything to be perfect forever being aware that I am not mature enough to carry that big a weight on my shoulders.
This is, by no means, a rant or an accusation. Well, it kind of is a rant, but I rant about everything so it's really no big deal. I am too young and inexperienced for grown-up living. Life is still overwhelming for me, and I am still trying to cope with the fact that the whole world is out there and I have yet to start living. It's frightening to think that life can be caged, and bound and tied down and stored aside, even more so when it is your own life going towards that direction.
So yeah, I might have made some wrong calls in these last few months. I might have trusted my poor judgment for very important matters. I probably caused a lot of damage. I fixed it before it was too late, fortunately, and that's what matters. I once vowed to never regret, and I haven't yet. And I won't ever regret not regretting.
I guess this rant is directed at myself, or whoever. Or whoever. I am sick of not living and waiting for things to happen so I can start living. This new year, I am trying to live by a friend's coined mantra of "I will be less of a shit every day", and thus fix my idiot, little girl problems one step at a time, but for good. I think it might work. I just need to start fucking doing stuff for myself and no one else.
