Sorry

I have been thinking, and as much as I go over it over and over and over and over and again, I only arrive to one conclusion. It's all my fault.

So I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry I took the first step,
and I'm sorry I was like-minded,
and young and zesty and full of life.
I'm sorry I was born here
and you are there
(I didn't mean to, I swear).
I'm sorry my eyes are big
and my hair is dark,
I'm sorry that I'm perfect and no one else sees it,
not even myself.
I'm sorry I had the courage to speak to you
and like you against all odds.
I'm sorry for all the short days and long nights,
and the time spent on useless talk and sushi musings and shits and giggles.
I'm sorry I made you smile that smile you so seldom showed.
I'm sorry I listened and believed and sympathized and cared.
I'm sorry,
because it really wasn't my intention to ruin your plans and make you feel.
I swear I was real.
I swear I am real.
I'm sorry your job sucks
and humans are ugly and awful and hateful.
I'm sorry you hated everyone but me.
I'm sorry you touched me
and I showed you
and I carried on believing
and you carried on smiling,
and I smiled too.
I'm sorry I neglected you,
and I'm sorry you had a hard time on my birthday,
and I'm sorry I fucked it up.
I'm sorry because I had no idea.
I really didn't know you had better things to do.
I'm sorry I wasted your precious time.
I apologize for all the love in the world,
and the perfect little dreams.
I'm sorry I was beside you in time,
and I'm sorry for the sad songs,
and the adolescent dreams,
and for all the times I believed you,
and for every time I thought of you.
I'm sorry I changed for you.
It's like I learned a whole new language,
it's like I'd found a new life,
it's like for one second I'd let go of my convictions,
betrayed myself
and believed.
I never believed before.
I never pronounced those words before.
I'm sorry you heard them.
I'm sorry I fucking showed you,
and let you,
and now I'm sorry I was there.
I'm sorry you're within me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I am very fucking sorry, because I know I shouldn't have done this. I'm sorry it hurts because I knew better. I'm sorry I ever fucking met you.

Fuck you and have a nice life.

(Yes, I am very angry).

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Listening to: Nine Inch Nails - Eraser
via FoxyTunes