Grownup Living

Today I speak to you as a new person. This is the day history was made. Today I woke up as a girl and will go to bed a woman.

No, I did not lose my virginity. Not until I'm married. Kidding, that happened long ago.

Today, I bought my first car. It is absolutely perfect.

It is not a new car, as I'm not able to afford a new car just yet, but it's a good buy anyway. It's a 2006 Renault Twingo in red. The color could be way better, but what the hell. It will make my car stand out.

If you're wondering, this is what my car looks like:

SOOOOO PRETTY!

Unfortunately, I was not able to cash the check for the dealership today (Saturday), but I was able to secure my buy by giving the dealership a certified check in exchange for the car's papers. The check will be cashed Monday, and the car will be mine right away.

Sometimes it feels good to grow up. Some other times you can't help missing being thirteen. Right now it's all good.

Living in the Ice Age

Moving on is an inevitable part of life. It's hard sometimes but it is very much possible and not at all a myth. I've done it, and I'm an emotional wreck. If I could, you definitely can. All it takes is the desire to leave things buried in the past and live a little.

However, it doesn't happen if you remain stuck in the past, still reveling in the marvel of times long gone, thinking nothing will ever be as good or sweet as it all was back then. As cool as life was in the past, it can never be as cool as what the future holds for you. 

Why am I saying this? I am just kind of sick of certain people who can't get over high school. Fucking high school. I mean people who are obsessed with that period of time when they were snotty teenagers and had no concerns or worries or responsibilities. Understandable, perhaps; but not at all excusable.

It's all good, I guess. You can do whatever the fuck you want with your life and spend whatever amounts of time longing for things that are NEVER going to happen again. Just don't drag others into your mess. I didn't enjoy high school - it was hell and I am truly glad it's waaay in the past - and I don't want to relive it whatsoever. 

So, high school obsessed friend, please leave me the fuck alone. My memories of high school are not as joyful and full or rainbows as yours are, and I have no interest in staying stuck in that dreadful place. I have a future and life has lots of things in store for me, much better than a high school do over. 

Kthxbai

Tales of Mere Hatred

There's one thing I really hate: Women who think they can conquer the world with male attention.

This is not a jealous or spiteful post written out of scorn, or whatever-the-fuck-excuse people might give to explain my bitching. It's just not right and that's how it is.

As a woman, I understand perfectly one's need for attention from the opposite sex. It's like a guilty pleasure (for girls who know better than obsess with male attention) - you know it's completely useless and unnecessary, but it's more than welcome when it's given. It's good for your self esteem and doesn't hurt anybody. That's how I see it. I don't need it, or live for it, or spend copious amounts of time striving to get it.

Some women rely on it and make their lives revolve around the idea of men jacking off to them. Not me. Instead, I rely on my talents, intellect and charm to achieve what I set myself to. If I need friends, I will make them. Not by flirting my way into a clique, but by using my social skills. If I need to learn something, I do it, because I am capable and smart; I don't ask men to do it for me. I don't need men to tell me I am pretty, and I don't need to show men how pretty I am just because I can.

I understand that some women are not capable of doing some things. Some are definitely smarter than others. It's not really about how smart you are, but how you've been brought up. If you've been raised to believe you're pretty and that's all you are, then you're fucked forever, cause you really aren't. Beauty is only skin deep, but a fully developed personality and brains go a long way, you dipshits. Instead of worrying so much about drawing male attention and flirting with anything that moves and has a penis, worry about what you've accomplished in life and how. It annoys me to have to deal with women whose only talent is attracting attention from guys. It demeans all women and gives way to ugly, hurtful stereotypes that some of us would be much better off without.

Gah, I'm not bitter. I know who I am and I know I am much more than just a pretty face. I'm just overly bitchy and get annoyed easily. You guys should be used to that by now.

A Perfect Day

Heh, as much as I love complaining about my life, I think it could definitely be much worse. Like, I could have a terminal disease, be a broke(r) ass and have no friends.

I finally passed the exam for my driver's license. That means I could drive and not kill myself any time now. I also got a promotion that should bring out positive, less tedious things to my professional life. Money wise I should be doing fine enough within the next few months, I might be able to afford my own place and car and would finally detach myself from my family completely.

Life is not so bad. Then again, I've just been having a few good days. There are still problems and bullshit lying about waiting to blow up in my face. I just gotta be careful and tiptoe through all of it.

Another Year, Another Problem

Hi, it's me again, and I have another problem to talk about.

People who can't fucking grow up.

Flaws and virtues considered, I think I am a fairly immature person. I think I should mention I am only 22 years old (young?) at the time, and as such, not expected to be an expert in all things grown-up.

You know what? I am a little mature, I think. For a twenty-fucking-two year old, I have been able to fix some really deep problems that had the potential of destroying my life in the future. I was able to quit drinking for good, despite the ubiquity of alcohol in my life, and have steered away from drugs like a decent, model citizen should. I have overcome fears, traumas and inhibitions, and I think I am on my way to being a "normal" person again. I am only months away from ending a very crucial period in my life, and am already considering ideas and plans that would increase my level of maturity by at least a 30 percent. Did I mention I can drive now?

Yet I am *still* only twenty-two.

Emotional maturity is different and much more complex than it sounds, I know. I know I am not growing in this department quite like I should be, but I'm working on it, and that is mature enough for me. It's hard to become emotionally mature when you've just started living like an adult, and it's unfair of people to demand emotional maturity of someone in this condition. It is also unfair of people to put their trust and hopes on me, and expect everything to be perfect forever being aware that I am not mature enough to carry that big a weight on my shoulders.

This is, by no means, a rant or an accusation. Well, it kind of is a rant, but I rant about everything so it's really no big deal. I am too young and inexperienced for grown-up living. Life is still overwhelming for me, and I am still trying to cope with the fact that the whole world is out there and I have yet to start living. It's frightening to think that life can be caged, and bound and tied down and stored aside, even more so when it is your own life going towards that direction.

So yeah, I might have made some wrong calls in these last few months. I might have trusted my poor judgment for very important matters. I probably caused a lot of damage. I fixed it before it was too late, fortunately, and that's what matters. I once vowed to never regret, and I haven't yet. And I won't ever regret not regretting.

I guess this rant is directed at myself, or whoever. Or whoever. I am sick of not living and waiting for things to happen so I can start living. This new year, I am trying to live by a friend's coined mantra of "I will be less of a shit every day", and thus fix my idiot, little girl problems one step at a time, but for good. I think it might work. I just need to start fucking doing stuff for myself and no one else.

A Year in Bullshit

In case you haven't been tuning up lately, here's what happened this year that made it so "special":

• I quit my old horrible job and got another one that [didn't] suck. 
• I finished school.
• My big mouth got me #1 in my dean's shitlist. 
• I made great friends.
• I got in a lot of trouble.
• I went to NYC and had a great time buying lots of things.
• I saw Swans live at the Bowery Ballroom.
• I signed up for driving lessons (NEW!)
• For the first time in my life, my mother is cooking New Year's dinner. (NEW!)
• I got to a point where I was mostly stable, only to have everything crap out on me and push me back to complete and utter disaster.
• I tasted kulfi.
• I fell in love with kulfi.
• I used a CAT tool for the first time.
• I deleted my entire music collection, yet again. I'm actually very impressed with myself, cause this time I actually sent my entire hard disk drive's contents into total oblivion. My stupidity apparently knows NO bounds.
• I became inappropriate and nasty, and developed quite a crass vocabulary (via "a penis dipped in bullshit").
• Trent Reznor had a baby and released the How to Destroy Angels EP, the single most narcissistic, uncreative and self-indulgent piece of crap to be released under Reznor's name. Then he released the soundtrack for the Social Network, and THAT became the most narcissistic, uncreative and self-indulgent piece of crap ever released under his name. Sadly, I now know he won't be able to reproduce the miracle of The Fragile ever again, and I've reconciled with those feelings of frustration to find peace. On a lighter note, thanks to a friend, The Fragile has experienced an impressive revival in my music library and now I can't seem to get enough of it. Again.
• I think I might have found my new best friend.
• I bought a dildo, which I haven't used, ever.
• Lots of people died. LOTS of people. RIP all y'all.
• To my mother's joy, I gained some weight. To my joy, I have now lost it.
• I think I might have found reasons to love myself. I am getting there.
• I found the light and I know what I want to do for the rest of my life: Save the world. I now know what I want to do for my Master's: Human Rights.
• Lots of people had their naked pictures leaked online.
• I learned to control my drinking. I hardly ever drink anymore, and if I do, I do it wisely. 
• I changed my legendary iPod for a Sony Walkman mp3 player. Not sure if that was the best choice. 
• Music this year kind of sucked. It REALLY sucked. I will get on that later, when I have a little free time. 
• I learned a new, highly marketable skill: SEO.
• I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and graduation finally seems to be in the near future. 
• I found out I would be losing one of my best friends soon. :(
• Music obsessions this year: HEALTH, UNKLE, Swans (of course), Nick Drake, Concrete Blonde, HTRK, Siouxsie and the Banshees, PJ Harvey and the Once OST.
• My friends were dearly missed. I realize I neglected lots of them this year, and I plan on doing something about it in '11.
• I think this year I managed to suck a little more than the last. I will probably say this exact same thing next year.
• Lady GaGa didn't die.

Other than that, I think this year was quite ordinary. See you all in 2011 and I hope you guys are having a better time than I am. 

P.S. Tomorrow, I will upload a video of my eye here. It's easily one of the funniest things I've done all year.

*EDIT:

Welcome to North Korea

It's really frustrating when things around you start to change for the worse, and there's no way to stop it.

My job used to be cool. Very cool. Now it's like a pressure cooker and we're all stuck in it with no room to fucking breathe.

Ya know what they did? They put bans on Facebook, Twitter and Youtube so we can't log in from our computers.  So we can work and slave away and produce, produce, produce more money for a heartless owner who really doesn't give a shit about anything but himself.

Seriously, are we doing that bad that such measures need to be taken?

FAIL!