Statement

I am not like you.

I curse, I hate, I feel with passion. I understand the importance of being educated but I also understand how one's soul needs a small dose of ditz from time to time. I don't take myself seriously, or pretend I am above the rest. I don't believe in a god, cause I don't need a reason to be alive other than my own existence and making the best of it with what little time I've been given. I have fears and I fail like everyone else, but when I do it, I do it knowing it's an inevitable part of life. I live my life with no regrets, and I am firm about this. My bad decisions have led me where I am, and for the time being, I think it's all good. I am honest and transparent, I don't hide my intentions and I say things as they are. I love and treasure the people who are important to me, and I intensely despise those who are against me. I am spontaneous and impulsive, exciting and interesting. I am strong but I can break, and I'm much frailer than you think.

I am everything you hate, yet I know you would like to be a little bit like me. I don't need to change, for I've wronged no one by being the way I am. I am not a bad person -- I only have very poor judgment. So don't fucking hate me cause you don't understand me or know me well enough to know how I operate. There are plenty of people who love me for who I am, and your disapproval does nothing to me.

Google Analytics Rocks My Socks Off

For the two or three readers of my blog who know me in real, troll-free life, it is no secret that I do SEO for a living. I'm not proud of it, but it's a job that pays the bills and provides an endless supply of laughs and retarded moments to make it worth my while. Sometimes.

For those who don't know what SEO is, let me explain. SEO stands for Search Engine Optimization. The main goal of SEO is getting clients' websites ranking high on Google, preferably in the first three spots of page 1. This entails rather meticulous and somewhat screwy keyword analysis, link building, content posting on various outlets, and an overall knowledge of internet resources and tricks. Basically, what SEO does is trick Google into thinking that one's page is relevant for whatever we want it to be. Some fans consider it an art. I don't quite go to that extent, but I have become somewhat fond of it.

One of my co-workers is probably currently running for biggest SEO geek in the history of the world (facing strong opposition from similar geeky types with awkward aspirations of coolness), and he believes he can sell anyone anything through the power of SEO. I honestly think it is an excellent marketing resource that, done well and with some effort put into it, can bring out great results. I intend to use SEO as a means to support myself while in Norway, but I promise I will only do it in an ethical, non-exploitative manner. Cause I have morals and principles and I am a good person who will go to heaven.

But, the more I inhabit this universe, the more I realize that people are and will inevitably continue to be stupid until the Mayan-predicted apocalypse wipes us off the face of the Earth in 2012, or a meteorite/Sun/Moon/Chewbacca obliterates our wonderful little planet. People will pay hundreds of dollars for shit. I could literally grab a turd, wrap it in a nice package, put a nice, colorful ribbon on top of it and sell it for $50, if I know how to sell it. I could just make up some bullshit about it being a magical turd shat by Jesus himself that will bestow good luck, incredible sexual powers and tons of money upon its fortunate bearer, and people will gladly pay for it and carry it around in their pocket. We are inherently drawn to pretty things, and we have been raised in a compulsively shop-aholic society. We buy, cause that's how we support society and our country's economy. If we lived in Cuba or North Korea, we would be completely different human beings, and we wouldn't have the need to come up with bullshit like SEO to sell our turds. Then again, if we lived in Cuba or North Korea, we wouldn't even have internet to begin with. In fact, if we lived in Cuba or North Korea, this blog wouldn't even exist, which arguably would be better for everyone in the long run... but I digress.

So I ask myself, if everyone is capable of buying anything, and even I have been subjected to the evil powers of marketing and advertising, and have bought my FAIR, SUPER FAIR share of crap, and have already dished out a good load of money that I don't have for those assholes selling it, why can't I just sell crap and make a good living out of it? Cause I'm a good person who will go to heaven? Well, let's start by saying I don't believe in heaven. So there you go. I don't believe in hell either, so I fear no repercussions. Second, I will not be forcing people to give me their money. I will carefully suggest that they buy from me, pointing out the positive aspects of the product they will be acquiring. No one said anything about it being a treacherous transaction. Third, I will NOT sell turds. If I ever decide on something to sell, it will appeal to people's innermost passions, those things that touch people deep down. I will make people happy. There's always time to spread the love.

My boyfriend and I have casually come up with products we could potentially sell. I will not reveal any of them because our ideas are too cool and groundbreaking to be released ever-so-slightly, but we have them and people will know about them soon, if we do our SEO well. Who knows, maybe we will "fight the keyword battle and win the SEO war" (inside joke -- this is what SEO freaks say, FOR REAL).

If you have any questions about the wonderful art of SEO, please contact chewbaccasexy@gmail.com, feel free to send any business ideas that could benefit from the great powers of SEO, and enclose as much money as you would like. You will receive a free sample turd as a thank you for your help.


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Now playing: Black Mountain - Wucan
via FoxyTunes

Los Hombres Son Mal Llevados, Sufridores y Ridiculos

It’s no secret I hate men. Some more than others, some less than others. Sometimes I don’t so much hate them as feel sorry for them and how utterly evil they are. There’s one guy I don’t hate, because he’s gone to great lengths to prove how incredible and completely different he is from all the other guys out there. I really love him. I will always love him, even if I die, or if he dies.

 

So there you go. You got that? I HATE MEN! I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND! I DON’T LOVE YOU! I NEVER LOVED YOU! Please let me know if I need to spell it out for you. This incessant bugging, the feeling of still being attached to you makes me miserable. I need you out of my life. I thought you already were. So quit bothering me with your glorified bullshit, and don’t try to act like you ever gave a shit about me, or anything.

 

So fuck you. If you feel you lost out on something great, think again. I suck. But someone loves me for who I am, even if I suck – something you couldn’t ever do. Sorry for your loss, but not really.

Now piss the fuck off.

 

Now Playing: Nine Inch Nails - Live at Wiltern Theater, LA [2009-10-09] - I Die: You Die

Ignorant Morons, Behold

SSSSNAKE!

Token Gay

Watching Desperate Housewives tonight, I finally paid attention to the show after months of just having it on TV while I do other stuff on the computer. I was somewhat familiar with the relatively new gay couple in Wisteria Lane, cause they've been on the show for a couple seasons now, but today I got to actually see them in action.

How fucking gay are they?

I'm perfectly okay with gay people on television and blah blah, and it's cool that big TV networks are finally being "open" enough to put gay people on their hit shows. It's all good. What I don't like is the way they oversimplify homosexuality and dump it into the vast stereotype pool of television. I'm sick of seeing the same goddamned leather-pants-wearing, Madonna-loving, totally FAB gay guy and his down-to-earth, less gay partner throwing cocktail parties for their equally gay/troubled women pals.

Bullshit.

Dude, next time you big TV writers wanna have a gay character in your shows, why don't you try a little thing called CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT and try to puff up your flat, stock gay people. There's something you could be proud of. Turning people into stereotypes ain't good. Mostly because we all believe in that little ditty called individuality, and even gay people think they're unique and stuff. Crazy, right?

Brah, I can't watch TV anymore. Don't even get me started on House. Grrr.

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Now playing: Die Antwoord - Wat Kyk Jy
via FoxyTunes

WIN!!!

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LOL idiots are so awesome!


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Now playing: False Jesii - Let's Hear It For Love
via FoxyTunes